Awe-Struck WOnder

Today I wished that time stood still. I was in one of our 2 weekly chapels today in worship when one of the lines hit me like a brick: “I’m in awe of you”. In that moment I wished time had stopped. I wish we had taken a long moment to reflect on that phrase, to think about what it meant for us. To ask ourselves that question, Am I in awe of God? For those who are not close to me, worship has been difficult for me for a long time, years in fact, but recently my heart has begun stirring again, as I have been worshiping again, and as I start to understand worship in a different way.

Worship began to change in me when I heard a great line at a conference I attended-that it’s okay if we get nothing out of worship, because that isn’t the point of worship. While this seems abrasive, it rings true, and forces us to confront why we worship. Worship is about giving praise and honor to God. It’s about recognizing the work he does, and the attributes of him, and giving our all to him, bowing down in reverence. Nothing in that is about us. Nothing in that gives us the entitlement to “get something out of worship” or have this big moment. Worship isn’t about us, it’s about God, and who he is. Not about the things he does in our lives, although we can point to those as evidence, but who he is. It’s as simple as that.

This understanding of worship has changed me, and brought me to the moment of today. “I’m in awe of you”. That simple line has so much meaning, so much depth. Since chapel I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I am in awe of God. I am in awe of his power, his wonder, and his deeds. I am in awe of his creation, his love, and of his sacrifice. I am in awe of his mercy, his grace, and his overwhelming peace. I am in awe of God. This is worship. The more I reflect the more I feel completely inadequate in his presence. The more I feel the need to fall to my knees and hde my face from his Holiness. The more I feel the need to fall at the altar in tears because of how great and mighty He is.

The thing is we serve such a mighty God, that our only response can be complete awe of Him. We cannot walk away unchanged, uncaring. He is such an awesome God that it forces a response out of us. It forces us to realize how small we are and how much we need Him. His Glory brings us to our knees as we give whatever we have to Him, hoping he can in some way use it to spread His glory.

Today, I stand in awe of God. Not because of what He has done, but by the simple fact that He.Is.God. I stand in complete surrender, offering everything, driven to my knees by Him. Today, I worshiped God. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Year 41

3 years ago I was someone completely different. I was on fire for Jesus, with a great community around me and a church that helped me realize what I could do. When that fell apart my passion vanished, as did most of my faith.

I couldn't go to church for months afterwards. I was hurt, alone, and very confused. I didn't know where God was and I felt so lost. I cannot explain to you what it's like to have your faith, church, and community ripped apart because of the mistakes someone made. I cannot explain to you how dark it became, and how much I walked around in a daze. I cannot count the hours I spent screaming at God in my room, begging him to change things, to show up again. I cannot tell you how worthless I felt, and how much I analyzed myself, hating every mistake I made that drove every friend away. I was alone. And I cannot tell you how dark that is.

But I cannot tell you how much it hit me the moment Jesus spoke. I remember the night. I was in my room, doing my 'usual screaming', when God spoke something very simple to me. "I am with you". Such a simple phrase. It hit me like a freight train. I wanted to fire back with a 'THEN WHERE ARE YOU?', but I knew. I knew the truth. I knew that Jesus was my foundation, not a church or community or friendships. I knew that I wasn't done and that God had a plan for me still, even through all of that brokenness.

But that was just the beginning. 3 years ago that moment happened and a work began. But since then I have still felt lost, still analyzed every decision I've made with every friend who has vocalized in one way or another a problem with me. I've still struggled to be in church, had a hard time with a community, and have been so afraid my friends will just leave me and hate me like so many others, and some seemingly have, and may never know the hurt that causes me everyday.

People don't know that I distrust leaders, especially spiritually. People don't know that I can't trust someone to be a friend, because most of mine have left. People don't know that even though I am a ministry major, serving has been hard because of the ways I was taken advantage of as a volunteer. Since my church fell apart I have felt more misunderstood than anytime ever, and maybe anytime after also. People will never understand the hell I went through, the hell a church caused.

Are some of you sensing a 'but' coming?

Well here...

But my life has radically changed in the past month, the past year really. I went from being in a long-term steady relationship to being single, from having little interaction with friends to deep friendships, and from being far from God to having one of the most transformational moments of my life. Last night I experienced something I don't think I have ever experienced before-church. Sounds funny coming from a guy who has preached at many churches, and attended a ton. But seriously, this group I went to was the first time I have ever really seen church, and it was life-changing.

I'm not talking about your typical Sunday morning, but a group of people dedicated to Jesus, each other, and the people around them. It wasn't about leadership or 'spiritual acts', but about coming together to grow together, to do life. One person read something out of the Bible, and I'm sure it was great, but I honestly don't remember much of what was said (I know I'm horrible). What I do remember is the worship. People singing together. What I noticed was the countless prayer requests and 'yay Gods'(long story...I don't even actually know it.). What I noticed was something I have been crying out for years. Community.

3 years ago I was filled with s much passion that I began a blog, just as a space to get my thoughts down. 3 years later I am writing again, because that passion is back. my first post was about how God always shows up exactly as needed. This post is a testament to the ways in which he has redeemed me, showing up exactly as I needed him too.

My work isn't done. I still have lots of things to work through, and I am taking lots of steps in lots of ways to get healthier and to grow. But...I just want to say thank you. Thank you to those who have never given up. To those who have listened to God and spoken just the right words. To those who spoke into me, and refused to let me settle foe less. But mostly thank you to God, because he is truly an awesome God. I have written and preached on the provision of God in many ways, but the past 3 years have been a journey only He could have Orchestrated.

He is truly a Good, Good Father.

The Provision of God

I preached my very first sermon about 3 weeks ago(and yes it was to an actual congregation, come on now). I preached off of Joshua, and God showed me some great truths from Joshua that I had to do some work with. One of them was a minor point, but one that has come up a bunch of times recently, and it has to do with God’s provision.

Joshua 5:12 “The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate the produce of Canaan.”. I have fallen in love with this verse, and the implications from it. The point for my sermon I pulled from it was that they enjoyed the fruit of the promised land. That if you are where God wants you to be, then you will be enjoying it. But God has taught me a different truth, and at just the right time. See the thing is God’s provision changed for the Israelites. For 40 years he had provided manna from heaven to supply their daily needs. Every morning they gathered just enough for that day, and it was a steady, stable source of food. But now it was different. The Manna was no longer coming, and suddenly the Israelites needed a new food source. Well, God provided for them, even though it was different from before. He gave them the fruit of the land of Canaan, the same fruit the spies Moses sent out were going crazy over. They even brought some back! Now, after 40 years, God was using this same fruit to fulfill their needs,

Notice what didn’t happen. God didn’t forget about them, and just stop the manna, leaving them to fend for themselves. His provision changed. It may not have been manna, but it was still there. God will not stop providing, but it may look different than what you are used to. God showed me that he does fulfill our needs, but oftentimes it changes.

This has been crucial for me to know lately. For those of you who don’t know I am a freshman at Olivet Nazarene University. What does this mean? It means even though I was a top performing academic student in high school, I still owe money. The cost started at 41,000 a year. A steep price for an education. After scholarships it was 20,000 a year. After the FAFSA and loans it was 6,000. I then started college. I had $700 payments, and I was struggling. I had saved some money from the summer, but not enough for even the semester-actually significantly short. I got a job, but even then I was going to be close to $700 short on my December monthly payment-even if I got past November.

So there I was. No way to earn the money, and looking at being kicked out after the first semester. Even if I did get past December, there was $2,100 left to pay starting January. I was broken inside, and broke on the outside. I remember calling my mom almost in tears because there was no possible way I could do this. My mom reminded me that in middle and high school, I was always able to go on retreats-even the one that was priced at $300, and I had no way to earn it. I trusted God, took the opportunities given to me, and Jesus provided. This was just another zero.

But that zero was intimidating. It represented an amount I had never encountered before, and  was terrified. But I took a deep breath and decided to trust God. I would save everything I had, take the opportunities given to me, and trust him to cover it. Shortly after I received a love offering of $100 from a church I preached at. I was astounded, and grateful. I was able to earn a little money on the side and things were coming together. Then I got an email. Out of nowhere I had received work study. I thought that this meant that the government would pay most of my job income, and it allowed me a better chance at getting higher paying jobs. Today I received a letter. It was from the financial Aid office(never a good thing), but this was a revised award letter. I was being awarded $1000 a year from work study. $500 a semester-which after all my adding was how short I was going to be in December. I cannot explain what I felt. I was broken, I was grateful beyond words, and I was almost crying. Jesus hadn’t dropped me, and had given me Just What I Needed. Nothing more, nothing less. So today, I stand as a testament that God has not forgotten you. He hasn’t dropped you, and he will provide. Now what that looks like I don’t know, but sometimes it just takes faith the size of a mustard seed, and the open handedness to do your part. The truth is, God isn’t intimidated by your zero, or your depression, or insecurity, or living situation, or how healthy you are physically, mentally, or spiritually. He doesn’t care if you are too scared to leave your house, or feel empty inside as you walk around. He.Will.Provide. So get ready, because “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will neither leave nor forsake you-do not be afraid, do not be discouraged” -Deuteronomy 31:8

Rebuilding

Currently I am reading about something in the bible that I have always loved- Nehemiah and the rebuilding of Jerusalem. Nehemiah and the Israelite's had been in captivity, and through God they were able to go back home and start rebuilding their wall around Jerusalem. But it wasn't without opposition. The nations around them didn’t want this. They knew it was a step towards Israel independence, which posed threat to them. Yet through that,  “The wall was completed on the twenty-fifth day of Elul, in just fifty-two days. When all our enemies heard and all the nations who were around us saw this, they were greatly disheartened. They knew that this work had been accomplished with the help of our God.” -Nehemiah 6:15-16 NET. Notice, that they rebuilt the wall, with God’s help. See I believe there are times of great rebuilding in our lives, the wall around Jerusalem was rebuilt in just 52 days. Unheard of without power tools. Now maybe in your life it doesn’t go that fast, (or that obvious) but it happens. God is always wanting to rebuild something in our lives.

Now before we can rebuild something, we have to start with a foundation and refining that foundation to get ready for the work above it. Nehemiah had to be in a spot to hear from God to ask the King to leave. To get there, Nehemiah had to trust God on a deep level because the King could have easily executed him. His faith had to be refined. Before you can rebuild, you must be refined. A building whose foundation has not been tested, strengthened, or refined, will not stand up under the rebuilding. It’s the same way with our hearts. Jesus brings us through the fire, to prepare us for this very reason.

Once this refining has taken place, the rebuilding can be done. This can take many different forms and can happen slowly or quickly. Rebuilding is happening in my life as I write this very post. It won’t be easy. I’ve been hurt by my friends, by church, and by pastors I looked up to, and it shook my faith to its core. Yet through this, Jesus has done something new. He is rebuilding my faith, how I worship him, and how I approach friendships in my life. This process isn’t easy, and it isn’t promised like that. Opposition will always be there. While the Israelite's were rebuilding they had someone standing guard over every single builder. They were constantly on guard since their walls were down, knowing they had to work together in community to get it done. I believe this is key to rebuilding. I have a great friend, who has been that person standing guard many, many times. I call him my shield brother. Someone who watches you, and you watch them. Because while you’re rebuilding you need protection. If this friend needs prayer he gets it, even if I have no idea for what. Together, we have grown in our faith and started stepping into what God has for us. We have come alive. Remember, we were not meant to do life alone. So don’t. Find a friend, or two, or 5. Live in a community. If you don’t have that, search for it. Ask for it. Pray for it. Jesus wants to rebuild us, and he knows we can’t do it alone.

But even more than a friend, you need Jesus. The Israelite's only completed the wall with God’s help, and everyone around them knew it. Only he can rebuild the things in your life that need to be rebuilt. So let him. Partner with him. Let him transform you into who he made you to be. I know that’s my plan. Rebuilding can be a hard process, but in the end it reaps eternal rewards. So, when the offer comes, take a deep breathe, focus on Jesus, and dive into what Jesus has for you to rebuild. He WILL make all things new. He did it back then, and he will do it again.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore.” -Hebrews 31:8

The Hills We Die On

     This blog post has been long in coming. For awhile now I've been struggling with something in my heart I've been unable to put into words. Trusting Jesus, I let it sit, and watched him unfold something in my life that has been sorely needed.

     In this rapidly changing world, we as Christians are constantly faced with issues that define the church as a whole. Culture, our governments, and leaders around the world pull us one direction or another   daily. Christians are finding it increasingly difficult to stand for what they believe in. But I believe standing is something that is vital for the church to survive and advance, as the gospel is intended to. We need places where we refuse to negotiate on what God calls us to do. I call these places the Hills we Die On. These hills are things we refuse to compromise on, and we will go to great lengths to defend them. But getting here doesn't just happen by accident,  it starts with passion.

     Everyone has a passion. Whether for the environment, gaming, or children in Africa, every single person on this planet has a passion. Something that excites them, gets them motivated to do something. With that passion comes the desire to stand for what you believe in. In the same way a gamer who loves a console will never admit a PC is better, or someone who cares for the Environment will never litter, we as Christians need personal passions in our faith.  Places where, at the end of the day, we refuse to compromise on. Because without that we are subject to every whim, trick, or plan of this world and what the enemy has to offer.

     To illustrate the importance of these hills, I would like to take a look back at the Old Testament. Israel is consistently told to not become like the nations around them. If you look at Joshua, he wipes out the nations, instead of letting them live, and he even asks for forgiveness when the Gibeonites trick him into a treaty he didn't pray about. God knew an important truth when he told them to not become the nations around them- If they were to be God’s chosen people, they needed to be set apart. Every other nation in the world had multiple Gods, but Israel introduced something new: a single overarching God. And they rejected all others. God knew that this wouldn't go well if they didn't separate themselves from the very nations they conquered, and he was right. From worshipping other Gods to marrying people in the nations they conquered, the Israelites continually disobeyed God’s direct order. Countless times in History, the Israelites got beaten, taken over, enslaved, and had to call on heavenly deliverance to be freed because they let themselves become like the nations around them.

     Now this may seem like me dredging up the past out of nowhere, but the principle remained in the New Testament when Paul urged his followers to set themselves apart, and to not follow the world. That theme is all over scripture, and I believe we need to come back to it with the modern church. In a world that is changing faster than we can blink, having a steady faith in a steady God will be vital to continuing the work of the Gospel.

     So find your Hills to Die on. Know where you stand. Find places in your life, in your faith, where you refuse to compromise.  Our God is a personal God, everyone's hill could be different, but find yours. Having a place where you refuse to compromise is important. If something needs to be brought before the church that isn't clearly laid out biblically, then please let it for the sake of unity, but make sure not to compromise your faith while discussing it. Being steady is biblical, because as the writer of Hebrews pointed out- Jesus is “The same yesterday, today, and forevermore” -Hebrews 31:8. Because if we do that we are letting Culture, Government, people, and things define a faith that is rooted in an unchanging God.

     “Stay alert, stand firm in the faith, show courage, be strong.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭16:13‬ ‭NET‬‬

Prayer, Warriors, and a New Way to Pray

     Prayer is one of the least understood concepts among today’s Christians. From
Hymnal prayers to rambling requests for a green light on our way to work, we’re desperately in need of a change. Jesus called us to be prayer warriors, so let's approach prayer with that mindset.

     Prayer is not to be taken lightly. As Paul says in Ephesians, we fight in the spiritual realms. This requires us to be active in them. We are called to a deeper prayer life than just dinner time prayers. Starting your meal by thanking God is excellent, but it shouldn't stop there. Prayer is a request to the highest level of authority that has ever existed. You are asking God himself to intervene in your life, and he actually takes time to listen.

     Just because God listens doesn’t mean he answers every prayer. I think the movie Bruce Almighty accurately demonstrates the reason for this when Bruce causes millions of people to win the lottery. But some prayers mean more, so why does it feel like God ignores our prayers? Sometimes they don't get answered. You don't heal, someone passes away, your heart gets broken. It feels as though God couldn’t be more distant. In reality, he is close to us, but there isn't a good reason as to why he doesn't answer these hard prayers, at least not one that I’ve heard. But a couple things I've learned in my life may help in our prayer lives.

     First of all, God didn’t give us prayer through the Holy Spirit as a “form” to fill out when we need a favor. He gave it to us to strengthen our relationship. God wants you to talk to him. A lot of times that takes the form of requests, but he just wants you to reach out to him. This is why he tells us to knock and we will receive. It's why he preached a parable about the persistent neighbor. It's why he spent all night in a garden praying, and why he taught the disciples how to pray. God wants us to pray, regardless of what we pray about.

     Secondly, sometimes God has a better plan. Maybe winning the lottery isn’t the best plan for your life, and God is protecting you from it. This gets harder to believe when something terrible happens. I can't answer why God doesn't heal your relative, or allows someone to pass away before their time. Trusting God to have a better plan is one of the hardest things to do. Yet that trust brings more freedom and opportunity for God to appear in your life than almost anything.

     In the same way we go through testing and trials to be refined, sometimes our prayers go unfulfilled. The point is that you did pray. You spending time with God, and relentlessly requesting something life changing of him is exactly what he instructs us to do.

     So never hesitate to pray big. Because you never know what prayer will be answered, and every prayer brings you that much closer to God.

     “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Trial,Testing,and Refinement

       There is a theme in the Bible that stays hidden to most readers. It comes in times of testing, and it’s defined as refinement. Yes, refinement, as in the process used to purify gold. God gives us times of refinement to draw us closer to him.

      We see it in the Israelites, who endured 40 years in the desert to bring a whole new generation up to follow God. We see it in David, who hid in the desert from Saul, and remained close to God even though he faced death. We see it in Jesus, who spent 40 days being tempted, and in Paul, who spent much of his time in prison.

      This refinement is tough to endure. When Job’s whole life fell apart, he “Tore his robe and shaved his head” -Job 1:20. David repeatedly cried out to God as he went through times of refinement. It’s hard. It’s not fun. But refinement is vital to growing in Jesus. Paul used the years he spent in prison to write letters that ended up in the Bible. Jesus overcame his temptation. David became a godly king, because he knew it was only through God that he was a king. Every time you are refined, you are being prepared for something greater.

     Think about it. Believing in God and following him is easy on Sunday mornings, when the worship is good and your fellow Christians are there to support you. But if you can follow God in times of trouble, you have a much more solid faith. A Sunday morning faith doesn’t cut it. Jesus wants us to grow deep roots in him, and build a foundation of rock to withstand the storms. If we can allow ourselves to be refined, we will be closer to Jesus than ever before.

     I have experienced refinement in my own life. About two years ago, the church I had been attending for years went through major turmoil. The two senior pastors confessed to being in an affair, and they were both fired. This started a journey that led to the discovery of huge financial debt and a loss of friends that were badly hurt. Eventually the church decided to close the campus we had moved to in order to attend. During this time, I struggled harder than I ever have before. I doubted who Jesus was, his faithfulness, and my foundation in him. I had lost so much and I was grasping at straws, asking God if he was, in fact, there.

      Then God spoke, softly. He said to me: “Hunter, I never left, and I am still in your heart. Your foundation hasn't changed.” In that moment, I knew I was okay. Jesus had never left; he had proved his faithfulness. What happened in those months? I was being refined. Jesus was letting me struggle to bring me to him. It wasn’t his plan for any of it to happen, but he used it for good. Now I have a more solid foundation in Jesus than ever before, and it is truly built on rock. Coming out of those months, which I would call the hardest time of my life so far, I am much closer to Jesus. I am able to fight for the things I need to fight for while resting in his power. This journey helped awaken my love and gift for writing, and this very blog was a result.

      Times of testing aren’t bad. They are, in my opinion, the most important times we go through. God will never abandon you, and will always prove faithful. You can count on it. It may seem hard now, but remember that you are being refined. To me, there is no greater honor than to be refined by my creator. Because if God is refining me, then I will become more who he created me to be. And if that is the result, I will gladly be refined.

  “This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭13:9‬ ‭NIV‬