Awe-Struck WOnder

Today I wished that time stood still. I was in one of our 2 weekly chapels today in worship when one of the lines hit me like a brick: “I’m in awe of you”. In that moment I wished time had stopped. I wish we had taken a long moment to reflect on that phrase, to think about what it meant for us. To ask ourselves that question, Am I in awe of God? For those who are not close to me, worship has been difficult for me for a long time, years in fact, but recently my heart has begun stirring again, as I have been worshiping again, and as I start to understand worship in a different way.

Worship began to change in me when I heard a great line at a conference I attended-that it’s okay if we get nothing out of worship, because that isn’t the point of worship. While this seems abrasive, it rings true, and forces us to confront why we worship. Worship is about giving praise and honor to God. It’s about recognizing the work he does, and the attributes of him, and giving our all to him, bowing down in reverence. Nothing in that is about us. Nothing in that gives us the entitlement to “get something out of worship” or have this big moment. Worship isn’t about us, it’s about God, and who he is. Not about the things he does in our lives, although we can point to those as evidence, but who he is. It’s as simple as that.

This understanding of worship has changed me, and brought me to the moment of today. “I’m in awe of you”. That simple line has so much meaning, so much depth. Since chapel I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I am in awe of God. I am in awe of his power, his wonder, and his deeds. I am in awe of his creation, his love, and of his sacrifice. I am in awe of his mercy, his grace, and his overwhelming peace. I am in awe of God. This is worship. The more I reflect the more I feel completely inadequate in his presence. The more I feel the need to fall to my knees and hde my face from his Holiness. The more I feel the need to fall at the altar in tears because of how great and mighty He is.

The thing is we serve such a mighty God, that our only response can be complete awe of Him. We cannot walk away unchanged, uncaring. He is such an awesome God that it forces a response out of us. It forces us to realize how small we are and how much we need Him. His Glory brings us to our knees as we give whatever we have to Him, hoping he can in some way use it to spread His glory.

Today, I stand in awe of God. Not because of what He has done, but by the simple fact that He.Is.God. I stand in complete surrender, offering everything, driven to my knees by Him. Today, I worshiped God. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Year 41

3 years ago I was someone completely different. I was on fire for Jesus, with a great community around me and a church that helped me realize what I could do. When that fell apart my passion vanished, as did most of my faith.

I couldn't go to church for months afterwards. I was hurt, alone, and very confused. I didn't know where God was and I felt so lost. I cannot explain to you what it's like to have your faith, church, and community ripped apart because of the mistakes someone made. I cannot explain to you how dark it became, and how much I walked around in a daze. I cannot count the hours I spent screaming at God in my room, begging him to change things, to show up again. I cannot tell you how worthless I felt, and how much I analyzed myself, hating every mistake I made that drove every friend away. I was alone. And I cannot tell you how dark that is.

But I cannot tell you how much it hit me the moment Jesus spoke. I remember the night. I was in my room, doing my 'usual screaming', when God spoke something very simple to me. "I am with you". Such a simple phrase. It hit me like a freight train. I wanted to fire back with a 'THEN WHERE ARE YOU?', but I knew. I knew the truth. I knew that Jesus was my foundation, not a church or community or friendships. I knew that I wasn't done and that God had a plan for me still, even through all of that brokenness.

But that was just the beginning. 3 years ago that moment happened and a work began. But since then I have still felt lost, still analyzed every decision I've made with every friend who has vocalized in one way or another a problem with me. I've still struggled to be in church, had a hard time with a community, and have been so afraid my friends will just leave me and hate me like so many others, and some seemingly have, and may never know the hurt that causes me everyday.

People don't know that I distrust leaders, especially spiritually. People don't know that I can't trust someone to be a friend, because most of mine have left. People don't know that even though I am a ministry major, serving has been hard because of the ways I was taken advantage of as a volunteer. Since my church fell apart I have felt more misunderstood than anytime ever, and maybe anytime after also. People will never understand the hell I went through, the hell a church caused.

Are some of you sensing a 'but' coming?

Well here...

But my life has radically changed in the past month, the past year really. I went from being in a long-term steady relationship to being single, from having little interaction with friends to deep friendships, and from being far from God to having one of the most transformational moments of my life. Last night I experienced something I don't think I have ever experienced before-church. Sounds funny coming from a guy who has preached at many churches, and attended a ton. But seriously, this group I went to was the first time I have ever really seen church, and it was life-changing.

I'm not talking about your typical Sunday morning, but a group of people dedicated to Jesus, each other, and the people around them. It wasn't about leadership or 'spiritual acts', but about coming together to grow together, to do life. One person read something out of the Bible, and I'm sure it was great, but I honestly don't remember much of what was said (I know I'm horrible). What I do remember is the worship. People singing together. What I noticed was the countless prayer requests and 'yay Gods'(long story...I don't even actually know it.). What I noticed was something I have been crying out for years. Community.

3 years ago I was filled with s much passion that I began a blog, just as a space to get my thoughts down. 3 years later I am writing again, because that passion is back. my first post was about how God always shows up exactly as needed. This post is a testament to the ways in which he has redeemed me, showing up exactly as I needed him too.

My work isn't done. I still have lots of things to work through, and I am taking lots of steps in lots of ways to get healthier and to grow. But...I just want to say thank you. Thank you to those who have never given up. To those who have listened to God and spoken just the right words. To those who spoke into me, and refused to let me settle foe less. But mostly thank you to God, because he is truly an awesome God. I have written and preached on the provision of God in many ways, but the past 3 years have been a journey only He could have Orchestrated.

He is truly a Good, Good Father.