3 years ago I was someone completely different. I was on fire for Jesus, with a great community around me and a church that helped me realize what I could do. When that fell apart my passion vanished, as did most of my faith.
I couldn't go to church for months afterwards. I was hurt, alone, and very confused. I didn't know where God was and I felt so lost. I cannot explain to you what it's like to have your faith, church, and community ripped apart because of the mistakes someone made. I cannot explain to you how dark it became, and how much I walked around in a daze. I cannot count the hours I spent screaming at God in my room, begging him to change things, to show up again. I cannot tell you how worthless I felt, and how much I analyzed myself, hating every mistake I made that drove every friend away. I was alone. And I cannot tell you how dark that is.
But I cannot tell you how much it hit me the moment Jesus spoke. I remember the night. I was in my room, doing my 'usual screaming', when God spoke something very simple to me. "I am with you". Such a simple phrase. It hit me like a freight train. I wanted to fire back with a 'THEN WHERE ARE YOU?', but I knew. I knew the truth. I knew that Jesus was my foundation, not a church or community or friendships. I knew that I wasn't done and that God had a plan for me still, even through all of that brokenness.
But that was just the beginning. 3 years ago that moment happened and a work began. But since then I have still felt lost, still analyzed every decision I've made with every friend who has vocalized in one way or another a problem with me. I've still struggled to be in church, had a hard time with a community, and have been so afraid my friends will just leave me and hate me like so many others, and some seemingly have, and may never know the hurt that causes me everyday.
People don't know that I distrust leaders, especially spiritually. People don't know that I can't trust someone to be a friend, because most of mine have left. People don't know that even though I am a ministry major, serving has been hard because of the ways I was taken advantage of as a volunteer. Since my church fell apart I have felt more misunderstood than anytime ever, and maybe anytime after also. People will never understand the hell I went through, the hell a church caused.
Are some of you sensing a 'but' coming?
Well here...
But my life has radically changed in the past month, the past year really. I went from being in a long-term steady relationship to being single, from having little interaction with friends to deep friendships, and from being far from God to having one of the most transformational moments of my life. Last night I experienced something I don't think I have ever experienced before-church. Sounds funny coming from a guy who has preached at many churches, and attended a ton. But seriously, this group I went to was the first time I have ever really seen church, and it was life-changing.
I'm not talking about your typical Sunday morning, but a group of people dedicated to Jesus, each other, and the people around them. It wasn't about leadership or 'spiritual acts', but about coming together to grow together, to do life. One person read something out of the Bible, and I'm sure it was great, but I honestly don't remember much of what was said (I know I'm horrible). What I do remember is the worship. People singing together. What I noticed was the countless prayer requests and 'yay Gods'(long story...I don't even actually know it.). What I noticed was something I have been crying out for years. Community.
3 years ago I was filled with s much passion that I began a blog, just as a space to get my thoughts down. 3 years later I am writing again, because that passion is back. my first post was about how God always shows up exactly as needed. This post is a testament to the ways in which he has redeemed me, showing up exactly as I needed him too.
My work isn't done. I still have lots of things to work through, and I am taking lots of steps in lots of ways to get healthier and to grow. But...I just want to say thank you. Thank you to those who have never given up. To those who have listened to God and spoken just the right words. To those who spoke into me, and refused to let me settle foe less. But mostly thank you to God, because he is truly an awesome God. I have written and preached on the provision of God in many ways, but the past 3 years have been a journey only He could have Orchestrated.
He is truly a Good, Good Father.
